“Our most valuable teachers are our enemies…While our friends can help in many ways, only our enemies can provide us the challenge we need to develop tolerance, patience and compassion.”
—Dalai Lama
As the last school year came to a close, our family has been reflecting on the social dynamics of our son’s early elementary school time period. By the close of third grade, both my son and I have learned a few lessons from our experiences.
In the first grade, as his class came together, our son and a few other boys formed a group of friends. Early in second grade, the mother of one of these boys contacted me to let me know that my son had punched her son in the stomach at school, and she requested that I enquire my child. When I asked him, I learned about the incidents that had been going on for the last few months. My son admitted that he was hitting and kicking the other boy who was teasing him. The boy’s mom and I discussed the events; children’s behaviors, and contributions to the conflict; and our plan of action over the phone. We spoke with our children and requested they each apologize the following day. She offered to take them to the library after school so that they could have some fun together. Over dinner, when I heard everything went exactly as arranged, I thought it was over and done with.
However, these conflicts continued for almost the entire next year.
Things gradually became more conflictual, not only with that friendship but with others, the details of which are not as important as the feelings around these events. Children become upset when they are struggling with friends. Some evenings, my son would bury his face in the couch when talking about being teased by other boys in his class, on the bus or at camp. Learning to get along with others is a part of childhood. I’m not talking about bulling, victimization or scapegoating here, which can be harmful and serious, necessitating parents actively intervene. The situations which I’m referring to are the usual fights amongst friends as kids in early elementary school learn to navigate their social atmosphere. When our children are upset by these natural, age-appropriate struggles, it is difficult for us too, since we love them and empathize with them. I felt helpless, frustrated, and sad at times. I was worried about him being unhappy, about the prospect of him not having friends, or that this situation would affect his self-esteem. Other days, I minimized or ignored the conflict because I didn’t want to feel too much about it. “It’s just kid stuff; everyone goes through it,” I told myself, but my own memories of a childhood struggles with friends surfaced.
They started it! Externalizing blame
Often when there is a conflict between children, parents can engage in a similar, parallel dispute. We see our children hurt and want to end the squabble. We are compelled to tell the other parent what was reported to us so that they can make their child stop their bad behavior. After all, they started it, right? If we approach this in an accusatory way it can cause the other person to be defensive and fire back with their kid’s claims. When we hear the hurtful remarks our own child made or the unkind or aggressive behaviors they inflicted on others, it can be scary, troublesome, or uncomfortable, furthering our desire to defend against the anxiety we feel about the conflict. When in a defensive mode, we tend to externalize the blame for our own child’s bad behaviors onto the other kid, minimizing or ignoring our child’s contribution to the conflict. I was lucky the environment at our school was committed to maintaining friendship and compassion and the other parents as well as our teacher helped me work through the normal struggles of social development intrinsic to his early elementary years.
Shared positive experience
The other mother in the beforementioned scenario and our son’s schoolteacher also taught me how important shared positive experience is when navigating the conflict of children together. This mother suggested our two boys do a few activities together as a way of putting their differences aside and seeing the other as a potential friend. Once the boys got to know each other, they found that they had things in common. They both loved Harry Potter and baseball; these common interests helped them bond. Gradually, they became friends. Diplomacy is mostly based on this concept—come to the table and see others as human beings, then it’s difficult to feel abstract hostility toward them.
Forgiveness
Both boys in that example acted in ways they weren’t proud of later. My son learned that he can’t hit people, no matter the circumstances, and the other boy eventually forgave him. My son learned to forgive others for their hurtful remarks. They saw that people can act in a way that is unkind, regret having done so, apologize, do better, and be forgiven.
In summary, what I learned from this friend struggle was a positive way to approach these issues.
Validate the child’s experience and feelings: When there is a conflict between two children and one brings it to a grown-up, allow that child to tell their side of the story and share how they feel about it.
Check for alternative views: Ask the child to consider the other side of the story besides theirs. Was there something they did to contribute to the conflict? What might the other child have been feeling? Allow the second child to express their side of the story and resulting feelings.
Forgiveness: If it’s a momentary conflict, after both have been heard and acknowledged, have them apologize and/or shake hands. If it’s an ongoing conflict, forgiveness sometimes takes longer, and intervention needs to happen numerous times. Stay consistent and don’t engage in conflict with the other child’s parents.
Sharing your perspective, listening to the viewpoint of others, apologizing for your part, some fun times together, and moving on can help. These are simple lessons we could all be reminded of, as we parent our children or even in our adult lives. Despite how challenging it was, I’m grateful for all the parents, teachers and camp counselors that have engaged in this compassionate struggle with us throughout the last few years. Having children reminds me of these lessons and allows me the space to learn them over and over throughout my life.